The Future of Pedestrians: A Short Satire
Once again, I found myself on a late-night stroll through the city—a time when, for once, there were more people walking than cars driving. Yet, despite the rarity of this pedestrian-dominated moment, I was screamed at for crossing against a red light. Mind you, there wasn’t a single car in sight. I can only propose a much more radical approach to handling individuals like me. Public humiliation, such as screaming at strangers, is clearly insufficient. A public execution might still be too lenient.
For those who fervently argue that automotive infrastructure is superior to pedestrian life, I propose we take inspiration from their beloved systems and implement some of these "superior" ideas into the walkable, car-free parts of the city.
As an immediate measure, traffic lights should be installed at every intersection in pedestrian zones. This would limit the possibility of collisions between different parties heading in opposing directions at these chaotic crossroads.
To further ensure pedestrian safety, every individual should be required to wear a hoop skirt—though not necessarily with fabric attached—maintaining a minimum diameter of two meters. Larger versions would be permissible, especially for those carrying backpacks or other bulky items that seem to demand the extra space, even though they are empty most of the time.
Due to the newly restricted space, some individuals might prefer to use stilts, allowing them to see over the masses and better evaluate what lies ahead. The downside, of course, is that smaller pedestrians and children may become even harder to spot. But that’s a problem for them; they could also choose to wear stilts if they wish to level the playing field.
Additionally, because of the limited space in front of shop windows, special waiting zones will be designated. In these areas, individuals are permitted to pause, gaze longingly at displays, and even remove their hoop contraptions before entering the store. For those not in these zones, standing still will be strictly prohibited. The lack of available space simply doesn’t allow for loitering; the pedestrian flow must be maintained at all costs.
The notion of assigning each individual a clearly visible, identifiable number—for the sake of easier law enforcement—was initially dismissed but is currently being trialed in China.
New laws will also mandate the widening of pedestrian paths, necessitating the demolition of certain buildings to create additional waiting zones where hoop contraptions can be left temporarily while their owners shop inside.
To address a significant portion of the standing-and-waiting issue, self-walking hoop rings are under development and are being tested in the sprawling suburbs of America. These highly autonomous devices can be left outside shops and will seamlessly rejoin the flow of pedestrian traffic on their own. How these contraptions, designed in vast American spaces, will adapt to the narrower streets of walkable city centers remains to be seen. However, the creators are confident in their flawless design—though there have been a few casualties during testing. Naturally, all of them were deemed to be at fault for their own misfortunes.
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